GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you’re It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
or
Get married and wish you were dead. ***

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

***

A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

***

When a woman steals your husband, There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

***

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

***

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

***

Young son: “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son.”

***

Then there was a woman who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, And then, it was too late.”

***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

***

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

***

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, Men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

***

First guy: “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

***

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

***
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL…

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man’s stick as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
“Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came >downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you >have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Tonight as I was going up to bed, I was wondering around locking doors and closing windows in the dark. As I turned from locking the front door, I got my toes caught backwards in a pair of my flip-flops I had left lying out. (very unusual for me, as I’m a neat-freak) I hurt my toes, and nearly fell on my ass, and yelped! Hubby called from the family room……”What happened??!!” I responded, “I tripped on my thong, and nearly fell on my ass!” There was silence, and I was just going to be a smart ass, and say, “It’s okay, I’m FINE!” When he said, “I hope you mean your flip-flops!!” LMAO….

I hadn’t made the flip-flop/thong faux pas for nearly 2 years, since I once said to Sarah, “I don’t know how you can stand to wear thongs all the time…. they rub me raw!” To which she shuddered, and yelped… “MOTHER…. they’re flip-flops!”

It hurts to not be cool.

The Grandmas Three very old and very bored grandmas were sitting on a bench outside their nursing home. They saw an old man walking by, and one of the grandmas stopped him and said, “I betcha we can guess how old you are.” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess how old I am.” One of the other grandmas replied, “Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age.” So he did. The grandmas stared at him for a good while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” The old man was stunned. “Amazing! How did you guess that?” The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison: “You told us yesterday.”

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965. Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who, me?
5 Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well, darn!
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished. oh no -not again!
7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.” and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”

Oh, No! IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS

HER DIARY: Wednesday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore and to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY: Today the Oilers lost. At least I got some.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of
corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1,million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.