A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.  One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.  When my business failed, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side…  ……  “You know what?” “What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.  “I think you’re bad luck, get the fuck away from me.”

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?” The girl said,”NO!” And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook,did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin’ lacy lingerie that went up her butt and had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt… a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else’s ex boyfriend!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletinboard of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

WE WERE DRUGGED…  The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ”Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?” I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning.  I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.

I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.  I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.  I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort ineverything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.  I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields.  I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, Canada would be a better place.  God bless the parents who “drugged” us.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, crap, am I driving ?”

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked. “They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts larger over the years?” Without missing a beat, he says, “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?” He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my
family for six generations..”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting. “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped f rom th e Hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SHIT,” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive — the joy wouldn’t stop –
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like “Where Are You Living?”And “What Are Your Names?”

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand’rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn’t matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
‘Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang — how we sang — in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
‘fore long you’ll be with us,

We wish you the best.

1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied.
“Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded,
“Hardly worth going home, is it?

2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied,
“No peer pressure.”

3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

4.) I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week ”

7.) My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9.) It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

11.) Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

12.) — THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.