I just finished my 20 minute yoga DVD. How the hell did this happen to me??? I used to do yoga for my “rest days”. I used to be flexible! Yoga poses used to be fairly easy for me. Am I talking about back ‘in the day” when I was 18 years old, and still actively athletic?? Oh no no no no!!! TWO YEARS AGO!

Now everything is “bigger”, and it doesn’t fold and bend as well. I nearly put all 10 toes out of joint, trying to support my ample girth in the “downward facing dog” (more like panting, dead dog). Then there was the ever popular “plank pose” (more like blank dose) …. hmmmph… this involved toes AND fingers nearly snapping in pieces with the strain of holding my ass up off the ground! This was 20 minutes, and by the last 5 minutes, I was shakey and wobbly and SWEATING as though I’d run a marathon! It was fucking PATHETIC I’m telling you!!! I thought yoga was all peace and tranquility and candles and incense!! UGHHH! To think I went from step aerobics, and weight lifting to this pathetic Pilsbury DOUGHLADY!!?? I falsely assumed sitting on my ass on my bed with my laptop, remote control, and cat was an Olympic event!! That beer and ice cream were a vegetable group.

To that skinny little bitch, who cheerily folded her itty bitty limbs neatly into an impossible position, and cheerily said, “Namaste…” To her, I say…..”fuck off and die!!!” (at least until tomorrow)

Now I’m Pissed! Now I’m on a mission! Now I need a nap!