Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with nolong-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best….. I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$@$%!@ *!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!” Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock,

Ten on Tuesday: 10 Things You Want, but Don’t Need

1. A new vehicle.
2. A new desktop computer.
3. A coach purse.
4. Mega bucks to support shopping habit.
5. A smaller ass.
6. More desire to be domestic.
7. More energy.
8. More DVDs.
9. More scrapbooking supplies.
10. A smaller house/condo in the city.

I phoned my dentist at the very second they opened this morning,told them of my latest dilemma and then went to work. She called me back and said they could fit me in at 1:30 this afternoon, so I worked the morning class, and then left. I expected them to just cement the broken crown back on, patch it up, and then book appointments for a new temporary crown and molds, and then another to put the permanent one in. I lucked out, in that they had time to do all of the prep and temporary crown, so all I have to do is go back once more for just a half hour to get the permanent crown put in. So yay! I can smile again!

Sometimes… when you cry… no one sees your tears.
Sometimes… when you are in pain… no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes… when you are worried… no one sees your stress.

Sometimes… when you are happy… no one sees your smile.
(more…)

Congratulations Snazzykat!

Sending good thoughts and prayers for Sammy’s surgery and recovery! Also for Mommy and Daddy’s recovery too!

Not too much happening around here this weekend. I don’t plan on leaving the house with my hillbilly self. I found out my dentist only works 1-4, M-Th. Obviously he’s made far TOO MUCH money!! So…. I have to wait to even PHONE until Monday, and no telling how long I’ll have to wait for an appointment!

All I know, is wood glue, or hot glue guns, do not stick a cap back on! Hmmmph!

My Motto

I have to do before-school-care this morning for one of the other ladies. Pfffft. Can you just imagine how happy I am about that?

In other good news, I broke the crown off my tooth (the one beside my 2 front teeth). Because I’m subbing in child-care, I can’t call in, and go to the dentist (not that I’m going to get in any time soon)! SO I get to go to work and keep my mouth shut all the live long day (which will NEVER happen), or risk everyone seeing that I now resemble the mother of the banjo playing dude from Deliverance! Accckkkk!

Pronger - Dejected and DONE

Well, well, that BITES, but doesn’t surprise me even in the slightest the way they played through this tournament! I think next Olympics NHL players will be allowed again, because it’s here in Canada, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if after that it’s done. Many of these NHL guys do not play with the urgency and drive to win an Olympic medal the way, say the Canadian women do. The woman are together as a team for 8 months and train and play and practice with the sole purpose of winning an Olympic medal. This band of egos arrived 24 hours before their first game, and their highest priority is winning the Stanley Cup! As it should be, as it’s those teams that pay their salary. You have to play as a team, not as 12 supah stahs!

I feel bad for them, and I’m mad, because I’m a Piss Poor Sport, but it’s done like dinner.

The USA faired exactly as good as us with their team of NHL players.

Think happy, healthy baby thoughts for the Snazzykat family!! I’ll certainly be thinking of you and the little monkey today!!

smyth

Today we finally won again! 3-2 against the Czechs. I had the scoreboard up on the computer at school, and every 10 minutes or so, I’d go refresh the page to see what the score was. Within minutes, it seemed, it was 3-0 for Canada at the end of the first. Mid-way through the second it was 3-1, then 3-2…. I was SCARED to check after that, but totally relieved when the score said, FINAL. Whew! I wore my Ryan Smyth Team Canada jersey to work today, so that “had” to be the magic touch. Also Pronger (our other Edmonton Oiler) sucked it up and got a goal and an assist. Prior to today, he’d been playing like a sissy! Pffffft

On to Russia! *gulp*

Ben and Jess are spending the night out here tonight, as she has to be at the airport by 6:15 tomorrow morning, and we’re just 15 minutes from the airport. They’re both in tears now, knowing they have to say goodbye again, but mostly because her situation at home is such a MESS.

Her step dad has been cheating on her Mom again, and got caught, so she and Jess were actually packing up to move out, when a reconcilliation and counselling was decided upon. Leaving Jess there with a Mom she doesn’t respect anymore, because she feels she doesn’t respect herself enough to kick him to the curb, and a step dad she hates now for hurting her mother. It’s just a mess, and I feel so sorry for her. BUT not sorry enough to let her move in here, which I think is kind of what Ben was hoping we’d say. I’d love to be a giving enough person to say “yes”. If I still had kids living at home, I likely would say, “yes”. BUT we just got our own kids out. I hardly feel like taking on another teen! She’ll move back to Alberta in a minute, but she has to first get her drivers license, and then find someone to live with. We’re hoping she can work out some type of living arrangement with her brother who lives out here, or perhaps go back to living with her aunt.

Ben came in here to talk to me, and he just kept saying, “I can’t believe how her mother won’t support her and help her get a life going for herself!!” He’s just appalled at the things that Jess has been through. Yes……..he’s a naive, sheltered young man in these areas. Most of his friends are all from families just like ours. Couples who’ve been married forfuckingever, and who do all they can to help their kids to become successful, independent adults.