We always hear “the rules”from the female side. Here are the rules from the male side somewhere in cyberspace. These are all numbered “1″ on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not contests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don’t remember dates, or mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments be-come null and void after seven days.

1. If you won’t dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it’s genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never go-ing to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act as if nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun forma-tion, or monster trucks.

1. I have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

1. I’m in shape. Round is a shape…..